HeatMarie

Write. . .

Grab the headphones, the incense. Realize you don’t have a lighter. Search for twenty minutes, make it feel like an important excavation. Tell yourself every five minutes, “Oh, you don’t need a lighter, just fucking write.” Tell yourself again that it’s important, you will fail without the smoke of the burning incense, that it is the only thing that will make you write, without it you will suck. Remember your boyfriend lit a fire the other day, ask yourself if he really does have wizardry powers that light things on fire, because you cannot find a lighter anywhere. Finally, find one next to your alarm clock. Remind yourself to ask yourself later why it’s there. Right now you have to write. Look for socks, try to make them match. Tell yourself you really don’t need matching socks, you are probably not going anywhere today, anyway. Put on your socks and shoes, light the incense, sit down, take a sip of your second cup of coffee and begin writing down everything you rehearsed while searching for the lighter.

That is my morning, it started at 5:30 am where I decided to lay in bed a little while longer. Zoey began licking my face with her eighty pound body laid on top of me. I figured I might as well get up, pretend like it’s not another snow day. Well, I should write for my blog, I thought. But what do I write? It was then I realized the whole what should I write about is half a cop-out for not writing. Not completely, only half. The other half is the combination of fear and procrastination doing it’s finest work. If you look at my search history you will find a long list of the following blog related questions: what is a blog, how do I write a blog, what site is best for blogs, how long should a blog post be, how often should I write a blog, how many posts a week should I post for my blog… The list seems to go on. Some are repeated questions, I guess I needed a second opinion.

After looking up blog prompts on google I realized, I never know what I want to write until I sit down with either a pen in my hand or my finger tips touching the keys on the keyboard. It’s a surprise to me what comes out of the things that I want to say. A few times I might know what I want to do before I write it, but most of the time it just comes as I type.

I have been meaning to start a blog, the idea came to me a few years ago. Perhaps, when Brent said, “You should write a blog.” But, the whole not really knowing what to write thing got in the way. But it’s more than that, it is as I mentioned before, fear. It’s amazing the power fear has over someone. In my first post Killing the Angel the narrator kills the angel at the end. In a fictional place it’s easy to conjure a sword stab blindly into the night and resolve all your issues before you even open your eyes.

Reality has a few different plays at hand. For instance I just can’t type or write words out and have magical items appear. Although, I could invest in a 3D printer, but it still wouldn’t kill my inner demons. There is also this thing called time, time which is supposed to be irrelevant but is anything but. . .

I ran out of coffee, excuse me one second while I make more.

More often then I should, I use time as my excuse for not doing things I should, could, and want to. It’s easier than facing the reality of harsh fears and that voice stuck in the back of your head still saying you’re not good enough. If you take the dream you have had since you were seven and throw it out into the world to have people judge, criticize and scrutinize, you might just find out that you really aren’t good enough, that your dreams are squandered by the majority vote that you… I shouldn’t write. Perhaps, now is the time to throw my words out into the world. Maybe they will stick.

My biggest problem with creating a blog is that I have too many interests and three blogs seems like a lot to maintain just so I can blog about my puppies, blog about my travel, blog about my writing, blog about the weather. It would be obnoxious, perhaps a bit more blog appropriate, but I am me and I have never done things the conventional way. So, I wont. Maybe someday I will set up a good system of writing where I will write three days a week and each day will be a topic genra, like Fictional Fridays, and Travel Tuesdays, Puppy Dog Sundays. I highly doubt it, I’ve never been that organized. But it’s a good thought.

So, here’s the deal. If you have stories you want me to tell, I’ll write it. Just as I will write the stories I want you to hear. If you are looking for something consistent such as life advice, anything about romance, or a new fictional story every week, I am sorry, I can’t do that. As I stated in the beginning of this post I never know what I am going to write until the tiny little letters form words that make sentences and turns them into stories. It’ll be a little surprise for you every time you open the webpage to read the new post. Take it as an adventure. Maybe together we will tell amazing tales.