HeatMarie

You will never understand my mind. It is weird, different, and always thinking. I have tried so hard and so many times to make people understand my thought process, to make people see the world as I see it; for if they did, they could understand me. I would no longer have to be that weird girl in the corner. 

Then one day, I decided I like my weirdness. It is what makes me, me. I am not easily understood, because my mind is in a million different places at once. It’s between the forests of reality and the gates of fantasy. Being weird allows me to write. It allows me to spin in circles around a room without caring where I end up. And when the where becomes the floor, I laugh again. 

Trying to change my weird or trying to force people to submit to it didn’t work. In all honesty, it was tiring. So I asked myself, why does it matter? 

Why does it matter if you understand me?

If you understood my thoughts, perhaps you would like me? Care for me? Love me? 

Why does it matter if you like me? 

Because I need you in my life. 

But are these the people I want in my life; the people who don’t understand me or accept me the way I am? The people I feel like I need to change for? The people who will never love me for all that I am? 

With that thought, I knew I was going to have to change. Which is a weird, ironic concept all on its own.

I have to change my thoughts so I do not have to change who I am. 

Eventually, my thought process brought me to the reality of the entire situation. Our perception and our perspectives will never align. We do not see things the same way. We do not feel pain the same. Our emotions, thoughts, senses are uniquely our own. Each person lives in their reality, and not always is that world easily accessible. If accessible at all. 

The best thing I can do for myself is to try to understand others, accept them for who they are, and stop trying to force my reality on them. 

At the end of the day, I know my thoughts, my feelings, my pain, and my beliefs. I am open to discuss any of those things if a person wishes to have a philosophical discussion. However, I do not believe that we should try to change a person, their ideas, or their beliefs. They are just who they are. If they want to change, that is on them. Now, that doesn’t mean we have to like it or allow them into our lives. It simply means we allow others to make their own decisions on who they want to be.

This realization then brought me back to the beginning. 

I may want certain people in my life, but perhaps I do not fit in theirs. Again, I do not know their thoughts. I could ask them why. And in fact, one of the hardest things for me not to do is ask what is wrong with me.

Why am I such a bad person?

I have been there before, asking that question. What came out of it was that constant feeling that I need to change who I am and most of the time for little more than a shrug of a shoulder.  

At times, we create a new version of ourselves to fit certain requirements for another person. By doing so, we potentially change the feelings of someone who loved us for who wanted to be. That includes how we feel about ourselves.

Our own self-love becomes the casualty.

Being some one you are not is exhausting work. The façade is a day-to-day mask that you can never take off. And I don’t know about you, but I just want to be me. 

I want to sit quietly in the corner observing the world around me, watching how people interact, and hearing how they talk. If you don’t know, this is where a writer learns to write. 

I want to travel the world in silence and see, feel, hear all there is. Imagine this: hiking through a forest in the mountains, feeling the burn in the back of your calves as the incline steepens. You stop for a moment and take in a breath of fresh air. You continue the hike once again, this time listening to the birds singing and the leaves crunch beneath your feet. The wind rustles the few leaves left dangling from the trees. Finally, you make it to the top and the world opens up to a majestic view, be it the lake between the mountains, the ocean waves crashing along the shore, or the line of fall colored trees resting in a valley below.

Being lost in that moment is my serenity.

There are other times that I want to be the girl who dances on a bar or in the kitchen. I want to be nerdy and play video games while laughing. Dive deep into philosophical discussions, all with a cup of coffee.

I like many different things. Some people don’t understand how I can go from a girl playing in the mud to one wearing a short black dress in high heels sitting at a candlelit dinner table. They see this as two different people. I struggled with this thought. Struggled to figure out which person I wanted to be more. 

I was told I couldn’t have it all. That there is no way that I could want both. But I do.

I want to live my life through experiences. I want to know how things feel, taste, and smell. And I want to know what the world looks like from more than my perspective. So when I ask, “what is your favorite?” I don’t ask so that I can be like you, I ask so that I can understand you. I already know what I like. But I want to take a glimpse inside your world so that I know you for who you truly are.

It is one of my beliefs that by taking a step into someone else’s reality, we will not only find who that person is, but we can find a part of ourselves. Open doors don’t force us to change, they instead give us the option to choose who we want to be.

And if those doors belong to people who truly love you for all that you are, they will not lock you in. Instead, they will ask to take a glimpse inside of your weird mind.