HeatMarie

You are your own worst enemy, and it’s time that we change that. I sit here with a song on a repeat, Talk to a Friend by Slaves (if you don’t know this song go listen to it then come back). I do this because it is important to remember that we need to be kind to ourselves.

See, I’d like to believe that I am the only person in the world who has a demon in their head that picks out all the bad that they have ever done and uses that and all their flaws to tell them how terrible of a person they are. The sad thing, I know that there are many more people out there with the same problem. There are millions out there battling their own demons. So let’s work out a battle plan to fight these tormenting bastards. It’s not easy. It’s not even a one and done kind of deal. But it just might work. 

When you feel yourself sinking to the bottom of the ocean and you find it hard to breathe in the darkness that surrounds you, remember that the only voice that can save you is your own. It’s a terrifying thought, I know, but trust me, you’ll be fine.   

The first thing you have to do is convince the demon inside your head to shut the hell up for just five minutes. It won’t. It never does. It stops for a second before it starts up again. The easiest fix is sleep. Yet, sleep doesn’t come easy for those with an overactive mind. So now you are stuck in this cycle of sleeplessness and the battle of your own mind, which grows more active and ferocious. 

In these moments, you might sit in bed begging for the gnawing thoughts to stop. They continue like they always do, eating away every good thought you have. Now, I don’t know about you, but I have become so adapted to being my worst enemy and critic that I never learned how to be a friend to myself. (You have listened to the song now, right?) Even now the thought of being my own friend is just weird. But we all know I like weird, so we’re going with it. And there you have it, the first step of the battle. Making friends with the only person who can save you. You. 

Now, of course, that is not a simple thing to do. So there are other things along the way that you must remember. First off, your brain does not just make shit up. (Okay, mine does from time to time and that’s all fun and fantasy, but that’s for another discussion.) Usually, it takes the things from your past, things that you have done, things that you have experienced, and uses that against you. It can make you feel a bit crazy, yes. More so when the people around you don’t understand. Usually the conclusions you come to are because of something that has already happened. 

My most recent one was how I am such a terrible friend. I have been that in the past. I have told people that they have been a shitty friend. Yeah, ouch. It’s a sick little cycle we have going on here, isn’t it? I promised myself the last time was the last time. That from this point on I would not do that. Sometimes, though, we don’t know someone else’s insecurities. So we might say something as simple as, “I wish you cared.”  And then, find out that the person standing across from you already feels that they don’t show that enough. They do care, and they want you to understand how much it is that you mean to them. And that’s when I tossed my hands up in the air and said, “Well, fuck! I did it again.” 

I made amends, apologized. That might make things better for them, but it doesn’t make it better for me. So I remind myself, day in and day out, that I do not have to be that person. That ignorance does not make me a bad person. It’s just something I need to learn from, grow from.

See, we do not have to be who we were. If it makes you feel bad, don’t do it, change it. Find a different way to get a better result. Stop telling people that you wished they cared more, when what you really mean to say is, I wish you understood me. There is a difference. It’s all about finding the correct words. If the words are not typed out or written down, they are very hard for me to find. 

We all have done bad things, but we are not our actions. We learn from them, or we should, anyway. 

Now for the third part of our plan. A dark place can be terrifying. But to stop your mind is all you have to do is turn on the light. Looking at the bad, stare it straight in its demon’s eyes and ask, “where did you come from?” Find that place. Then shove it right back where it belongs. Back in the past. 

Afterwards, be your own best friend. Tell yourself that it is okay. That things are not as bad as they seem. They will get better, I promise. But for them to get better, you have to believe it. Want it. Then you have to make it happen. The plan isn’t an easy one. It will take some practice. But don’t worry, kid, your new friend’s got this.