HeatMarie

The paths we take are not always paved in straight lines with directions telling us which way to go. Often the paths we need to take are dirt washboard roads where it is easy to get stuck, get lost, and find yourself alone. You will deal with a situation you know nothing about. There are no signs or cell service, and no life line to call even if you could. You need to figure it out yourself or pray that life grants you one more miracle.

I’m the type of person who makes the “safe” choices. I don’t want to struggle; I don’t want to fail. And I hate the idea of putting myself in a situation where either of those are possible. Yet, here I am making a series of decisions that leave a lingering question; in time could these be some of the worst decisions I will ever make? I am terrified. That is the simple way to put it. I am scared that at some point I will have over exhausted myself and not have the energy to continue my journey towards what could be a better life. 

The combination of fear and anxiety has a way of building up over time until a person reaches that pique where they just break down or explode. If you are the type of person who always makes the “easy” decisions and have recently turned on a road map that is leading you into some serious rocky situations, that anxiety intensifies. So here is the moment before it all begins that I am reminding myself to breathe. I might have time for the stress and anxiety now, but in less than thirty days I need to have my shit together . . . at least mentally. Because I know that in the coming months life will not get easier and I need mental stability to get me through it. I’m hashing out the anxiety, I am fighting the fear, and I am doing whatever is necessary mentally, physically, and financially to prepare for an adventure that will take me to a better place in life. I like to be prepared. So I have thought of all the worst-case scenarios. I have questioned if what I am doing is right and if it is the right time. It is without a doubt that I am doing the right thing. My new adventure has the potential to give me a better life, and there is nothing wrong with taking a risk on something better. Because of the financial burden, there is potential for negative impacts on my current situation. However, looking into the future, it’s not hard to see that there will never be a perfect time. 

In June of 2019, I packed up all of my things and moved to Minnesota with the notion that I was going back to school. I was determined to live a new life full of opportunities. I wanted to prove that I am able to support myself and the life I want without the need of others holding my hand. I wasn’t able to do all of that. See, there is a thing called money and good credit and without it you end up stuck. 

When you have a decent job, it’s all too easy to shrug your shoulders and say, “I guess that wasn’t meant to be. At least I can pay the bills.” For over a year and a half I gave up on that dream of luxury, financial stability, and adventure. I worked on other things instead. I worked on my physical and mental health. In that part of my life, I have proven that I can be successful. It took baby steps and crawling out of many dark places while climbing some of the highest peaks but now, after two years, my end goal is in sight. I can see it and I know the work I have to put in so that I can be right where I want to be; happy and healthy. 

The career side of my life is still stuck on that rocky, muddy, washboard road somewhere in the middle of nowhere. So I’m going back to that road, and I am going to conquer it! I know that financially what I am doing is one of the most incredibly stupid decisions I can make. I looked at my finances a thousand times and since I have to pay out of pocket for expenses, I will have roughly $80 dollars left to my name at the end of each month. Everything else will go to bills. And this, my friends, is where the majority of sensible people will go, “Yeah, no that’s not logically reasonable.” So they scratch their name off the list and choose the easy decision of staying stuck. After all, they have food, they have water, they can pay their rent (barely, but it’s manageable) and they know exactly how much they will struggle.

I’m tired of struggling, I’m tired of never getting to adventure, and most of all I’m tired of being tired. 

So I signed my name on all the lines that said I would officially attend the coding bootcamp at the University of Minnesota. There are more decisions I have to make. There will be a need for a part-time job. Which will slightly decrease the financial burden but will start messing with time. Those two things have always been a struggle for me. Time and financial management. However, doing the bootcamp part time is only 24 weeks and if I put every last bit of energy into it I WILL come out of it with more opportunities and possibilities when it comes to my career. I WILL have options. I WILL end up with the life I desire. A life with hard work, determination, and a few cuss words at the computer screen in front of me will be a life I have been fighting for.

This decision is in no way easy. Change is frightening. More so if that change is $80 close to realistically unobtainable. Yet, the potential life investment is worth it. And that is what I will continue to remind myself every day. Every time I question my decision, I remind myself that this is an investment. It is one more adventurous path that without a doubt will be a struggle but there is a promise that if I don’t give up, if I don’t call it quits I will have the most beautiful view waiting for me when it is all over. 

We always have choices. It’s important to remember that you can move forward with your life. You don’t have to stay stuck. It takes work to get out from under a rock and squeeze yourself through another tight space. The energy consumed will make you tired, will make you cry, and question everything you are doing. When you reach that moment of exhaustion, look down the path you are taking. What is going to happen when you succeed? ( Never question your success, if you want it bad enough, know you got this.) If the benefits of achieving your goals are greater than what you are leaving behind, it is worth it. There should be no doubt in your mind about the path you are taking. Clear that doubt, get rid of the fears, tell your anxiety to take a back seat, because dear, you have places to go and new goals to achieve.

This is only one of many paths left to travel. Regardless of the obstacles ahead, make right here and right now the beginning of an adventure that will lead to a beautiful, happy you.