HeatMarie

Sigh, I really hate the parts of me that cannot make up their damn mind. Have you ever spent three straight hours on one paragraph, saying to yourself, “this is just horrible!”? If so, you know my frustration. Every paragraph, every line scrutinized in ways I never thought words on a page could be scrutinized. I yelled at them, cussed, told them how stupid they were. And when I asked for help from tools like ProWritingAid, and ChatGPT, I told them they were just as stupid and useless as the writer.

A side note: these are only tools to give you feedback, to give you inspiration, and to help you along the way. More so with ChatGPT, take its suggestion with only the smallest grain of salt. For example, when I asked for a 100 different random words, it listed “cascade” about 55. 

I feel I need to confess, that this hasn’t been just with writing, it’s been with just about every mental task I have endured over the past few weeks. Perhaps the over thinking came from doing too much? Talking to too many people? I wish I could tell you. But it wasn’t until 8:03 p.m. Saturday night, during the onwriting of Chapter 3 and spending the three hours on one paragraph, that out of pure frustration and heated anger, I began mumbling, “This sucks. It’s stupid. What’s wrong with it!?” Ah, the first question, I am so thankful for it. It’s what led to a series of others.

I got up from my chair and began pacing my apartment. “What is the paragraph missing? What does it need? What is its purpose?” And just like that, the magic began to work, and as though questions are the magical key that unlocks the creative writing door, that single paragraph came in less than five minutes. And the onwriting continued!

So often, I forget to stop, think, ask the questions, or even just give my mind a little break. When I’m outside the moment, thinking is easy. I can ask the questions and figure things out. But when I’m staring at the stupid blinking line, it mocks me, antagonizes me, and tells me to, “hurry the fuck up.” In fact, it’s doing it now. I wish I could give the line a new, different voice. One that says it’s waiting patiently and thinking just like I am, so there is no need to rush. But I can’t. I’m fairly certain it is the rhythm of the blink that has determined the black line’s voice for me. 

Perfectionism isn’t always a bad thing, but sometimes, you just have to give it a good kick and make it disappear out of sight. I’m learning to do this, but remembering that “perfect” isn’t real is a struggle. For one person, the words I used to create a story might seem wrong, boring, over-the-top, or just plain bad. To others, it might strike inspiration and curiosity. 

It was that realization that I was stretching for “perfect” when I forced myself to step away from Chapter 3. I was too close to it. I reread it a hundred times and had it memorized. It created some “bads”, any time I changed one word in a sentence, it sounded awful as I spoke it. Like it just didn’t fit. 

Taking the break couldn’t mean not to think about Cursed. I know myself well enough to know that if I stop thinking about this story, I will cancel all my plans for it. So I began digging online for a new tool. Something that will help me organize my thoughts. I stumbled upon Novel Factory, and spent an entire day organizing the plot, the subplot, creating the character and locations. Yes, they have already been created, but seeing them all in one collective place just brought a new image to the entire story. Using an AI generator, I created images for the locations, the characters and even some objects—By the way, Chip is so freakin’ cute!!—and it’s amazing what happens when you can visually see the story you created inside your head come to life. I found a new inspiration. And perhaps, during those moments of pure frustration, it is the inspiration that is missing, the reason for doing what you are doing. 

I am curious, for those who are writers, what do you use for your inspiration when you are stuck? What tools do you use or have you used to help enhance your thoughts, your story, and your motivation? Leave a comment below to let me and others know what helps and until next time, happy onwriting!