There is no sanctuary in this cold, dark room. The feelings of isolation and fear have completely consumed me and so I sit here with my back pressed into a corner, hoping that the walls are enough to hide me from the demon who haunts this place. He has not always been here, no. He followed me from my past.
I thought that by running away he would never find me. Perhaps I did not run far or fast enough. Perhaps I stayed too long here in this place I decided to call home. I should have heeded the warning signs: the driving through every yellow light, the street lamp that blinks on and off in a frantic motion. The universe was trying to tell me he is back. Instead of listening to the warning cries, I told myself it was just the crazy talking. Demons do not exist.
And that was my first mistake.
Regardless of what people believe, I know the truth and it’s time that I remember that. I have seen their faces, felt their presence, and wished that I too lived blind folded like the millions of other people out there.
See, demons do not care if you believe in them. In fact, they hope you never do, and they hope that humanity continues to blame all their chaos on diseases of the mind. For if you never believe in them, you will never find the way to defeat them. However, I am afraid that this time I remembered that all too late; for he is here in my home I can sense his presence like the bitter wind blowing in the night.
He found me the same way he always does, through my dreams.
I moved into a house with some friends, maybe a lover. I don’t remember which. It was exciting and beautiful, with large bay windows and cherry hardwood floors. We had yet to get furniture, so we laid blankets in the middle of the living room floor with a fire burning in the fireplace. It was a peaceful day that darkened into an accursed night.
The fire dimmed, leaving only the coals with a smoldering light and a smoke that crept from them. Although the room did not physically shrink in size, it tightened around me, suffocating me as I tried to sleep. I tossed and turned. Something was wrong, I could feel it crawling up my spine like tightening fists clenching to something they refused to let go of and all the while I heard him whispering, “mine, mine, mine.”
My eyes widened. Even in the dream, I knew what was happening. Afraid to say the words out loud, I thought to myself, please not again. But still his voice reverberated like a crescendoing reply to my thoughts, “mine, mine, mine.”
I watched my breath as it left my cold lips. The soft exhalation was all it took for him to show his pale, thin-to-bone, decaying face. My, how he aged without me. His black soulless eyes matched up with mine as he pressed my shoulders to the floor. The cold of his hands caused the stinging pain of frostbite to my bare skin. Death reeked from his lips as he hissed the words I will never forget, “Mine, I always find what is mine.”
I awoke, frozen in place. The small amount of light streaming in from the window allowed me to see a darkened shadow slither above the bed before scampering out of sight. Every muscle in my body tightened as I told myself the same old lie, “It was just a bad dream, you are alright.”
I had to pee, but I couldn’t get out of bed. Because what if he was hiding under there? What a stupid thought, I know.
My phone glowed from the nightstand next to my bed.
Alex, I thought. Hoping it was him. Hoping that somehow he just knew I needed him. We haven’t talked in a while. But I swear we still had a connection. It was something unlike anything I had ever felt before. The tension was that of pulling worlds that coalesced two beings, not in body but in heart, soul, and thought. And I still believe that if anyone was awake and willing to talk me through another dark night, it would be him.
But then, there was that soft, tantalizing melody ringing through the speaker of my phone. The music was soothing, adding comfort and warmth in the middle of the cold night.
I checked my phone, no messages. But the sound of the piano continued.
Why do I still believe he thinks of me? That he cares for me? After all these years, why would he? After all I have done, said? Even if I told him everything, should I be surprised that he wouldn’t message me back, that he doesn’t care? I was horrible to him.
I stopped my thoughts for a moment because I knew all too well where they were going. It was nowhere good, and they were going to take me right back to that place I escaped from eight years ago. I was a different person then, and I cannot keep living life in regret and remorse for all the things I have done. That is no way to fight this.
And he still cares, he still loves me, he told me so. If I just message him, if I tell him about my nightmare . . .
“He has his own problems, I am sure. Does he really need yours? Does he need this again? Are you really going to be so selfish, Haley Lynn?” And there he was inside of my mind.
God damn you. No, he is not there. He was never there, Lector Lucious never existed. It was all in my head. He wasn’t real, this is not real. I took in a deep breath and for a moment I forgot to breathe. I was trying so hard to fight all thoughts. I didn’t want to think anymore. I wanted it all to go away. But it was dark, and it was cold, and there I sat, so alone, all alone, with not a single soul in the world. Tears formed in my eyes.
I reread the messages that Alex sent to me over a week ago. His replies were short, almost nonexistent. I thought for a moment about messaging him.
“You really are a selfish girl, aren’t you? All for a little attention.”
I have always been here for him. If he ever has a problem I will be there to help him. How is that selfish?
“He doesn’t want you there. He will never come to you with all his problems. He has better friends for that.”
The demon in my mind is a termite, eating away the last bit of a solid foundation as he consumes every good thought I have.
Alex is just a closed person. There is nothing wrong with that, there is nothing wrong with our friendship. He cares for me. He wants me in his life. He said so.
“Does he, though? Really think about this, my dear. Nobody wants you in their life. You are just an annoyance, a pest, a parasite. Remember that? Those are your words, not mine.”
He is right, that’s all I have ever been. No STOP! I screamed it in my mind while I rubbed the tears from my eyes with the palms of my hands and moved them to the back of my neck. The tension was building there. I need this voice inside my head to stop.
Shutting off the music that played from my phone, I found the courage to step out of bed and walk to the bathroom. I turned on every light as I went. The light didn’t seem to matter; something was watching me, following me.
I got to the bathroom, closed the door and did what I needed to do. The whole time I felt like I had just locked myself into the smallest room with the worst monster imaginable. I stood still as I looked into the mirror. The faucet was still on. I liked the sound of running water because it drowned out the other voice inside my head.
A large gust of wind pounded like a slamming fist against the window, and the cold crept in through the small gap above the ledge. The cold brought back the feeling of his cold, dead hands against my skin. I closed my eyes to shake the image. “It’s not real.” I told myself. I repeated the words over and over again. I braced myself on the sink and bent in towards the mirror. My eyes were red and tired, my skin as pale as death. The demon was sucking the life right out of me, and I was letting him by refusing to believe he was there.
“Lector Lucious does not exist.” I said out loud.
The lights flicked off and with the dark came his voice, “Say it all you want, my dear. I am here and I will never leave you.”
A quick flash of light filled the room. Through the mirror I saw the demon standing behind me; staring at me with piercing eyes and a devilish smirk, he said, “I never leave what is mine.”
The roaring wind crashed into the building covering up my scream as the lights gave one last flicker before they went out completely.
Now I am here in this cold, dark corner hoping that I have enough time to tell you what happened from the very beginning. All so you can do what I have failed at; defeat the demon that haunts your mind.
HeatMarie 